Do something special for yourself today! 

Practice self care! 

Don’t forget to love yourself first!

If you ask around, you can create quite a list of self care tips.  When you lose someone and/or go through a major life pivot, most suggestions fall tragically short.  They seem ridiculously simple or naive.  Bullet pointed ideas are empty when grief saps your energy.  Even during the best of times, pithy one liners offer little help as to how to actually do these things.  

As a way to channel my frustrations, I’ve surveyed some tips from the internet for critique and comment.  As a quid pro quo, I’ll offer my own list afterwards.  These are real life self care suggestions from a recent google search:

Best Life Online has these self care tips they claim you’ve never tried before:

• Start taking compliments like a champ.  Do you mean punch the person in the face then stand over their limp body in victory? Pfft, I’ve done that.

• Treat yourself like you'd treat your best friend.  You mean express my strong opinions about how I’m messing up my life and give myself advice?

• Try daily affirmations.  Puts sticky note on bathroom mirror: “You aren’t desperate and pathetic.”

• Stop obsessing over your past.  What if it’s the only thing that helps?

• Make yourself laugh. Oh, I do. I do. (See above)

• Quit taking everything so seriously.  Seriously?

• Order dessert. Can I have it for dinner too?

From Women’s Health Magazine:

• Practice kegel exercises.  You assume this isn’t already part of my self care routine?

• Get a tomato plant.  Just curious, why tomato specifically?

• Don't eat the kale if you don't like it.  Don’t tell me what to do!

• Do some planks. Can I do them in bed?  

Oprah has pre-COVID tips to help you be the best version of you:

• Put on a face mask.  How did you know this would become a thing?  Oprah, you are psychic!

• Look at pics of cute animals. This actually isn’t a bad idea.  My favorite is soldiers returning home to their shocked children and enthusiastic pets.

• Learn to anticipate problems before they arise.  So generalized anxiety is a good thing?  Phew.

My favorite from life coach Jordan Grey’s best self care practices ever is “Keep a folder of compliments that you receive and regularly re-visit them.”  I recommend not leaving this folder out if you live with other people.

I’m not usually this sarcastic so take my clap-backs with a little tongue in cheek.  I feel a little bad at ripping on these tips but not bad enough apparently.  As an apology to the lovely authors, I’ve created my own list for others to critique and mock. Behold, Laura’s Top 11 Self Care Tips (that really work!):

1. Treat yourself.  Cookie Butter is my best friend.  If you’re into harm reduction, use a tiny spoon and close the lid between scoops.

2. Switch it up!  Watch the Netflix widow favorite “After Life” followed by the Leslie Jones stand-up special “Time Machine.”  Repeat pattern as needed.

3. AM/PM Routine - Start the day with productivity.  Make the kitchen table your desk!  Move to the living room couch for a change of scenery in the afternoon.

4. Be creative!  If you like to color, I recommend Fuck Off, I'm Coloring from Amazon.

5. Listen to music.  Personally, I enjoy weeding my front yard while sobbing uncontrollably to a grief playlist.  My neighbors practice appropriate social distancing.

6. Call a friend.  I suggest a rotating list of 4-5 people to keep their attention while you tell the same story over and over again.

7. Say ‘No’ when needed.  Write a To-Do list then ignore it. Play on your phone.

8. Compliment a stranger: You only need to look in the mirror!  “Wow, your perimenopausal chin zits are really clearing up.”

9. Buy something that makes you feel good.  I’ve purchased everything Amazon promises to deliver within two days.  My favs are a dog sling carrier and jeggings with pockets.  Both are more fashionable online than in real life, FYI.

10. Play a game.  Preferably with another person.  Your own mind games don’t count.

11. Lower your expectations.  I no longer hold myself to strict rules like showering every two days or getting 200 steps in.  I might have taken Self Magazine’s suggestion “Be a little gross” to the extreme.

Some or all of these might not work for you as they are rather specific.  No worries!  Feel free to use them as inspiration for your own personal apocalypse.  Just remember, if you keep repeating the phrase, “It’s not selfish to do you!” you will come to depend on it.  I believe in you.