A hot topic among a certain set of widows is dating.  Now, I’m nowhere close to this abhorrent experience and may never be. However, there’s a part of me that’s a little fascinated with what it’s like to date after losing someone.  I mean, it’s not like the two of you broke up.  

I’m inspired by a recent thread on my secret widow forums (shout out to HYWC!!).  They were talking about the do’s and don’ts of online profiles.  It was universally advised NOT to mention one’s widowed marital status in the text of your profile.  Of course click the drop down to say you’re a widow/widower but whatever you do, don’t freak out your future soulmate by inserting it in the space you’re supposed to be charming.

SPOILER ALERT: Dark humor ahead.  There’s a perverse and honest part of me that is dying to get out.  Sorry, it’s hard not to make death puns when death is a pervasive part of life.  But seriously, there are some things that are funny in a sick kind of way.  This is especially true in the sarcastic and bitter phase of grief. I’ll give you an example: My wife died but at least I kept the fish alive.  Minor funny, I know.  Another one: Now I can leave my papers spread out on the kitchen table.  My wife is dead but at least I got my freedom back.  Slightly absurd but that’s my life these days.

Given these two elements - widow dating and dark humor - I thought it would be funny to write a dating profile as if I was currently ready to hit the mean streets.  Here’s what my prospective suitress would see:

Name: Laura Walsh (don’t ask me to change my last name)

Marital Status: Widow :(

Want Kids?: I have two fabulous boys with my dead wife! 

About Me:  Smart and fun loving dog mom.  I love my fur babies!  You’ll have to get through them to find my heart!  Just kidding.  Even though my beloved wife just passed, I’m back on the dating scene.  When you’re thrown off the horse, immediately get back on!  Imma right?  I’m totally emotionally stable - I’m down to crying only 3 times a day.  Just kidding (it’s one big breakdown).  On our date, I’ll excuse myself to the bathroom.  JK! (I have no control over my tears.) Are you my third wife????

Name: Laura W (don’t ask me my last name)

Marital Status: WIDOW

Want Kids?: Nope, I already make 4 dinners a night (teenagers)

About Me: Even though my wife recently died, I’m totally over her and ready to get married again.  Here’s a short list of my “must haves” for potential mates: funny, sweet, loving, caring, smart, snappy dresser, high integrity, delightful, loyal, great dancer, trustworthy, neat freak, bleeding heart for rescue dogs, excellent chef, middle east politics junkie, true crime podcast listener, excellent sense of style in all things.  If you can meet this criteria, I’ll love you forever (but not as much as I love my wife).

Name: L Dub (don’t ask for details.  Please.)

Marital Status: It’s Complicated

Want Kids?: Why are these questions so personal????

About Me: Totally open book (lover). Ask and I’ll tell you anything you want to know. [Insert sad Sarah McLachlan lyric here] I’m the crazy but hot type (don’t ask).  Not looking for hookups or unsolicited pics unless it’s mid century modern home porn.  That’s all you need to know.

What do you think?  I feel confident the right person will respond to these melodies of the soul!  I recently found a copy of the profile I used to meet my wife.  Maybe I’ll just reuse it.  I mean, it is a proven winner.

JUST KIDDING!