I believe every human has inherent dignity, value and worth.  There are no throw away people.  I am all for fighting against injustice and inequality.  I'm a left leaning, "classic liberal" and have given a lot of thought and discussion to what that means for me and the world.  Multiple grad school classes on racial/ethnic, religious and sexual/gender identities sparked a desire to evolve my beliefs and opinions.  As a resident of Chicago, poverty and gun violence are issues dear to my heart.  

I married into a police family.  My wife was a Detective, serving 21 years before her death by suicide earlier this year.   Our extended family includes multiple first responders.  Until I became a cop’s wife, I had the privilege of never having to think about what it’s like to be in law enforcement.  Trained as a woke psychologist, I found myself faced with the challenge of understanding the world of law enforcement just as the Black Lives Matter movement was emerging.

So many stories

Stationed in the heart of the west side of Chicago, my wife’s commute home took her past a long line of people outside a homeless shelter.   Waiting to see if they’ll get a bed that night, they stood for hours in the rain, shine, or brutal cold of our winters.  She and her fellow officers cleared extra space in the lobby of her district building and bought sandwiches for families who “camped out” there at night.  My wife gave money, food, and time to disenfranchised people.  She often contrasted the slacktivism she saw on social media with her everyday experiences.

I have so many stories but one that stands out is helping a dude she met while he was begging for change on the corner near the highway ramp.  He’d been in an accident on the job, lost his leg and became addicted to pain pills.  Following a woman and heroin, he found himself across the country from his home in Denver.  He was now clean and trying to get back home.  She spent time discussing with him about what he thought he needed and supported him as he got back on track.

Just another day On the job

You should probably know more about her job.  She worked homicides, rapes, and child sexual abuse cases.  She carried dead babies to the morgue in her arms.  She saved many lives as an FBI-trained SWAT hostage negotiator.  Her eyes saw so many traumatic scenes.  At the end of her career, she worked high profile financial crime cases of famous people and politicians as well as low profile identity theft and exploitation of the elderly.  She gave equal weight and importance to the loss, whether it was a person, millions of dollars or a tiny, wiped-out savings account.  

We would spend weekend mornings solving Chicago’s problems over coffee.  We’d drill down into the root of issues, see the systematic fault lines, and emerge speculating on what one individual could do.  She was well read and a deep thinker.  I couldn’t have been with my wife if I thought she was racist, mean or even thoughtless and inconsiderate. 

My wife saw the struggle of those who both hated the cops but still depended on them.  People in these blighted neighborhoods called 911 for anything from needing a ride to a doctor’s appointment, reporting a gang shoot out on their block, to getting their teenager to behave.  Frustrated, my wife still recognized the reasons on-lookers claimed there were no witnesses to a crime.  

The Court of public opinion

Public opinion stressed us both out.  Demonstrators outside her building chanted for weeks, “Fuck the police” and “Kill all the pigs!”  She believed in their right to protest but it wore on her.  It’s rough to be hated.  She often heard the firecracker sound of AK-45’s right outside her building. Her walk to the parking lot was fraught with hypervigilance for her own safety.  She had long, patient conversations with angry crime victims explaining how, even if they both knew who did the crime, the constitution requires evidence.  She worked many hours withstanding insults of motherfucker, fucking pig, and stupid dyke.  Who could keep this up?

You might be tempted to think she was special, different.  While she was an excellent detective, her experiences aren’t unique.  Our culture merely sees the badge, painting police with a wide brutality brush.  Careful not to generalize, we’ll rightly proclaim that one terrorist is not representative of all Muslims or that not all young black men are gang bangers.  Seeing all police as the same is inconsistent and when “one bad apple spoils the bunch,” abuse is justified.  Holding my coffee mug, I muse over a world where, instead of picking convenient targets,  we’re all united against criminal acts.

After 21 years, my wife had a huge network of colleagues (all good apples) who helped her gather evidence and solve crimes. Laughing at the idea of a “code of silence,” she claimed police officers weren’t that organized.  It just didn’t make sense to put herself on the hook for someone she didn’t even know.  She wasn’t a fan of CPD as a whole (mostly the upper ranks) but respected individual officers.  She prided herself on acknowledging who was both an asshole and still did a good job.  She’d say, “He’s a jagoff but a great detective,” or “She’s cheating on her husband but she knows the law and does her job well.”  While acknowledging the need for change, her overall assessment was that most cops were good (or good enough).  Like any organization or group, there’s always good and bad.  If an individual cop stole, assaulted, or used excessive force, they gave up the title of law enforcement officer and are now a criminal. You could not be both.

The worst of times

I miss her protection and wise words, especially through the ordeal of rioters and looters through our city this summer.  We would have had SO MANY THINGS to discuss.  At the same time, it’s likely she would have been deployed to the streets as other family members were.  She would do her job, regardless of whether she agreed with the crowd or was protecting business owners from destruction and looting.  She’d be frustrated on behalf of lawful protestors whose message was thwarted by the criminal acts of a nearly indistinguishable crowd.  Instead I’m left alone with my own frustrations, thinking about how scary it must be for these cops swarmed by angry, rioting crowds.  

I once had a client ask me what single act could make the world better.  My immediate reply was, “Empathy.”  Empathy is the active choice to step into another’s shoes and take a look around through that person’s eyes.  Public opinion leads us to believe there's a limited amount of empathy to go around.  The implicit message claims empathy for police officers diminishes the plight of Black folks.  When I’ve expressed my own empathy for cops, I’m ignored or dismissed as a crazy right wing Trump lover.  This could not be farther from the truth.  Why do we have to pick sides?

Police are called during someone’s worst times.  Like parents, we’ve tasked them to enforce limits and boundaries while witnessing and absorbing pain.  Therapists are taught how to release this pain.  Unless we teach officers how to do the same, a sort of emotional debris accumulates.  In reality, both police and the communities they serve experience extreme trauma.  It’s not a competition.  No doubt, my wife carried this debris to her death.

There’s enough empathy for all

Two (or more) things can be true at once; we are not limited to understanding only one group.  In fact, I’d argue getting inside and understanding the police’s perspective benefits oppressed people (and vice versa).  It clears up misunderstandings and humanizes actions.  We can do this without making monsters of either side.  Currently, I find delving into the world of Men’s Rights Activists, Incels, and extreme right or left wing groups illuminating and I’m smarter for it.  What reasons does a person have for thinking and feeling how they do?  How does their perspective make sense to them?  I don’t have to agree to understand.  

Our brains are programmed to simplify.  The closer we get to thinking in black and white, us or them, the more blind we allow ourselves to become.  It dumbs us down.  I have unlimited empathy for those who struggle and I don’t discriminate.  Protestor, rioter and police officer - I consistently apply my beliefs in the inherent dignity, value and worth of every human.   Picking sides makes me a hypocrite and only undermines my argument.  There truly are no throw away people and everyone deserves your empathy if we’re going to get anywhere.  I can’t help but hope that if others followed this logical path, we could actually change things.  Of course, we’d need gallons of coffee to get there.  I’ve got my mug and I’m ready for your thoughts.