Ever had an imaginary fight with someone in your head?  With the perfect mic-drop closer, your witty one liners shut down the assholes left and right.  My wife and I shared our best ones with each other.  Usually inappropriate, harsh, or pot stirring, our “fantasy conversations” were unlaunched snowballs.  Admiring each others’ perfect spheres was processing.

These fantasies also avoided telling the other what she should have done.  Sidestepping many marital arguments, it evolved a way to show support.  It starts with, “Babe, I had another fantasy conversation with _________.”  Using babe is optional and doesn’t change the effect.  If you’re in a hurry and want to capture the moment, start with, “In my fantasy, I say ________!”  Feel free to swap out the word fantasy for pretend, daydream, or imaginary.  Words like fake detract from the cold power of a fictitious splat.

You might enjoy a sampling of my most recent musings.  Normally whole conversations, I’ve condensed these for maximum amusement.  In order to protect the ignorant, I declare the following statements are entirely fiction as no one would actually utter these words.  But just in case, I’ve prepared a few comebacks:

Widow is such an ugly term.

I used the widow card the other day to get a $20 refund from Amazon.  It sure is coming in handy.  Kinda like the AARP discount card.

You’re so strong; you’re going to be okay.

I’m glad that reassures you.

I heard she died by suicide.  What happened????

Um, she killed herself.  Most people consider it self explanatory.  Did you want details?

At least Patty didn’t divorce you.  That would have been harder.

I’ve been through a divorce and am confident this is worse.  Plus this way, I get life insurance.

I didn’t know she was depressed.  I should have called her.

She wasn’t.  If her wife and sister couldn’t help, I highly doubt your annual phone call would have made the difference.

I don’t know how you do it.  I’d fall apart.

I must be a great actress because this is what falling apart looks like.

So, is everything a sign from your dead wife?

Conveniently, yes!  It’s all in how you look at it.

You’re a psychologist - why didn’t you stop it?

I did everything I could but our current mental health system failed us.  You should lobby your senator to fully fund services and training.

Wasn’t the last season of Homeland awesome?

Yes!  I cried through every episode because it was the last show we binge watched together.

My ex-uncle-in-law just died so we’re going through the same thing.

Oh wow, so you understand how every item in your house reminds you of him?

Don’t you worry that talking about her makes the kids sad?

I’m more worried that they’d bury their sadness until it sprouts into addiction, behavior issues or a life of gothic artistry.

When I lost Taco the Chihuahua, I was devastated!  He was a family member.

No opposable thumbs didn’t stop him from doing chores, eh?  You must miss Taco’s financial contribution to the household.

Wow, you have a lot of pictures of her up in the house.

I apologize for this offensive reminder of your grief.

I couldn’t live in a house where someone killed themself.

Think of it like spit.  I don’t like just anyone’s spit but I liked my wife’s spit.

Are you back to work yet?

I don’t think my clients need to hear, “Oh you think you’ve got it bad….”

I’m so busy at work!  I wish I could be on leave like you.

Well, the grass is always greener!  Or in my case, dead and yellow.

If you’re going to live in that house, you’ve got to change things up.

I’m going to turn her clothing into quilts and throw blankets.  Want one?

How are you really doing?

Is this a trick question?

Are the kids okay?

Is this a rhetorical question?  

Wow, you post a lot about suicide and grief.

Yeah, it’s kind of my passion.  I’m thinking of starting a cult.

It’s so hard to be isolated during COVID with my family.  I want to kill my husband!

Yeah, I miss that feeling.

Are you still the kids’ stepmother?

Funny how I went from evil stepmother to witchy widow.  To answer your question, yes.

What are you going to do with her stuff?  Donate it to charity?

I’d prefer her prized Ramones t-shirt didn’t end up in the bargain bin at GoodWill.

You’ve gained weight.  Are you eating properly?

Actually, I lost 120 lbs. and feel better than ever!

It's time to stop wearing your wedding rings.

Thanks.  I was thinking of melting them down for scrap and bedazzling my jeans.

You’re young.  You’ve got another 40 years ahead of you.

I’m thinking about rebranding myself as a spinster.  Make it cool like Toyota did to swagger up minivans.

Would Patty want you to do that?

If she didn’t, she better speak up now.  She left all the big decisions to me.

You should move away and start a new life.

Ah, yes.  That’s what will finally stop the frequent flashbacks to our life together!  I’m doing it to myself, you know.

You’ve changed.  You’re kinda morbid and blunt these days.

Thanks for noticing!  Your validation is everything to me.

I just found out Patty died a few months ago!  I’m in shock!

Don’t worry, it wears off quicker for acquaintances.

Did you know that committing suicide used to be illegal?

Luckily, she avoided jail time.  By the way, when you say ‘committed suicide,’ it sounds like you believe she broke the law.  Might want to evaluate that.

Now that you know what I’m not saying, feel free to judge me.  People act like I’m a grief whisperer.  Just because I’m special doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly got a key to universal knowledge.  If you blunder or don’t know what to say, don’t assume I do either.  Or that I’m judging you.  Sometimes I only know what's bad when I hear it.  I wish I could warn you.  I’m working on embodying the mysterious widow persona.  I shredded an old black dress and I’m letting my roots grow out.  Fingers crossed, I think the bereavement kit comes with bonus nuggets of wisdom for posting to social media.

One last disclaimer.  I don’t mean to downplay anyone’s grief or turn away support.  I hope you get that I’m just being silly here.  And helpful!  Feel free to repeat any or all to someone who says something dumb to you.  I’ve heard it’s even worse for supporters who get asked for the juicy death gossip.  I’ve got comebacks for y’all, too.